Can a Marriage Survive an Affair? (A Three-Part Series)

                                        Part II

                       Top Ten Reasons Why People Cheat

          There are many different reasons why people have affairs, and any of the below reasons, separately or in combination, can be the reason.


1) Taking Each other for Granted Affair

As time goes by, relationships can get stale.  Once a relationship reaches this point, everyone and everything else starts taking top priority.  There are so many demands placed on couples nowadays, and juggling jobs, childcare, and other family demands, can really take a toll on any relationship. Couples stop communicating, except about mundane things, such as: who put the garbage out, or did you feed the dog?  The relationship gets boring, and this is where the taking each other for granted thing becomes an everyday way of interacting.  Affectionate exchanges become a thing of the past.  These couples no longer caress each other, hold hands, hug, kiss, exchange lingering looks, or engage in the language of love with terms of endearment, romantic dinners, and just doing fun things together. Television, golf, the gym, the Internet, talking on the cell phone with friends and family, or just about any other activity under the sun seems more important than making love or making real conversation with each other. Couples may even stop having sex.  When things stop happening in the bedroom, it’s only a matter of time before sparks start flying somewhere else. Over the long haul, the lack of true intimacy between couples is one of the prime reasons one mate seeks comfort in the arms of another.

2) Sex for Sex Sake Affair

 If couples are not engaging in an active and healthy sex life with each other, and, therefore, they are not keeping each other from the temptations of the world, there is always someone lurking out there in the shadows willing to do the dirty work. This kind of affair is more likely to occur if couples are guilty of taking each other for granted, and things have gotten pretty stagnant in the bedroom, as was already describe in the paragraph above. This type of an affair can also occur when someone feels the grass is always greener in somebody else’s backyard, or when one partner is in the midst of a mid-life crisis and needs to feel young, virile, and sexy again and seeks attention outside the marriage, perhaps finding validation in the arms of a much younger lover.  Players often engage in these affairs just for the hell of it, the novelty of it, or for the thrill and high they get from being naughty. Plain old boredom, too much idle time, unfulfilling work or hobbies, and too much stress and no healthy outlet for it can also lead to this kind of an affair.

3) The Tit for Tat Affair or Payback Affair 

These affairs take place when one mate tries to get even with the other for a past affair and has an almost obsessive need to even the score. These kinds of affairs are committed for revenge sake, or to give someone a taste of his/her own medicine. Sometimes affairs can be viewed as acts of independence or rebellions against over domineering spouses.  A payback affair can be an act of anger in response to many other kinds of betrayals, such as lying about money, or feeling that one partner is not pulling his/her share of responsibility around the house.

4) The Humbling Affair

Some people have a holier than thou attitude in which they say judgmental things such as, “I don’t know how anyone could do something like that?” They judge their neighbors, friends, public personalities, and their own parents harshly, when they learn of an affair. The universe may well conspire to put these people in a compromising position in which they commit adultery.  This cosmic kick in the butt was meant to teach them to stop judging others. 

5) The Opportunity Knocked Affair

These are the so-called chance encounters that no one plans on, but somehow, they lead to a one night stand or the beginning of a long term affair.  This could happen on a business trip, at a bachelor or bachelorette party, on a boys’ or girls’ night out, or just about anywhere life leads someone. It could also happen from connecting or reconnecting with someone on a Social Media site, and what started out innocently enough, under certain circumstances, ends up in a full-blown affair.

          It is not only possible, but highly probable that a marriage could be fixed, if the reasons for the affair were of the above five varieties.  

          The following five affair types-- not so much.


6) An Affair of the Heart

These are perhaps the most painful of all affairs that one can encounter.  This is more than just a fling or a flash in the pan affair.  This is a true love affair, which is both emotional and physical in nature. When the straying partner has fallen in love with someone else, this kind of scenario can be equally devastating to all parties involved.  The words, “I love you, but I am no longer in love with you,” are as painful to hear as to utter.

7) An Affair as a Side Effect of Addiction

 Affairs that are symptomatic or reactions to sex addiction, drug abuse, or alcohol abuse are fairly common.  Addicts notoriously use their inability to control their impulses and falling off the wagon to justify their behaviors, and the enablers of the world go right along with this rationale.

8) The Swan Song Affair

 These affairs are really a declaration of war, in which people are actually hoping to get caught, because they want a divorce, but lack the courage to put the cards on the table.

9) The Marriage by Default Affair

 These affairs are inevitable because these marriages should never have come to fruition in the first place.  Examples of these types of marriages are: marrying because of pregnancy, pressure from parents, escape from parents, marrying a man or a woman to fit a plan, marrying on the rebound from a broken heart, walking down the aisle knowing that you weren’t in love with the person in the first place, a marriage of convenience for money or to get a green card, or an old school arranged marriage.

10) The Cake and Eat it, too Affair

In the past it was men who thought they could get away with this kind of behavior, but now some women, in the shadow of Sex and the City, truly believe that they can be married and have a little something on the side.  These people operate on the old, what you don’t know can’t hurt you principle.

These last five reasons for affairs can prove to be like Humpty Dumpty: all the king's horses and all the king's men, may not be able to put these marriage back together again.

Stayed tuned for Part 111 of this series: Life after an Affair: Strategies for Saving a Marriage.

Cindi Sansone-Braff is a relationship coach, known as The Romance Whisperer, and the author of the spiritual, self-help book Grant Me a Higher Love: How to Go from the Relationship from Hell to One that’s Heaven Sent by Scaling The Ladder of Love.  Visit her web site at: www.grantmeahigherlove.com.  She gives free psychic and relationship advice on Thursday evenings, 7pm EST on www.blogtalkradio.com/higher-love.  The call-in number is: 646-929-0958.